Seldom do I write about celebrity issues. I would even say it is un-often.
Today I make an exception. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, aka Brangelina, aka … er, Brangelina.
Ok, I know very little about them except what I occassionally pick up from Twitter feeds and Facebook searches. I last watched Brad Pitt films about 20 years ago. There was Legends of The Falls (I think) and I really enjoyed Seven with Morgan Freeman. Any of his latest – wouldn’t have a clue. Angelina Jolie … I couldn’t name one of her films. Did she get her breasts removed?
But the portmanteau Brangelina … I know of that. A divorce, though. Thats the end of that portmanteau. Thats a portman-vorce … or a div-manteau (portmanteau construction isn’t my strongest suit, as you can see).
But the dismemembering of Brangelina isn’t the only tragedy. Who’ll get the toaster? Or the vacuum cleaner? Where will Brad sleep? Will he have to bum on a friends sofa? Angelina will have to make new arrangements for getting the kids to school on days she’s working. Brad will occassionally be seen at a cafe with a coffee and a very nice sandwich that makes you wonder where he got the money for that from. He’ll be a little less clean-shaven (if he has a beard, this blog deserves to be closed down) and the hair won’t be as fashionably tousled. If you talk to him, he’ll keep saying “everything is ok” in a way that makes you think to yourself: ‘if only I could get them back together.’ Angelina will be begging with her kids down at the welfare office …
Right, right, let’s stop this silliness. I know Brangelina don’t live like the plebs. Don’t know how much they are worth. I’m either too lazy to browse the web to find out or afraid that I’ll feel a sense of jealousy … likely not a burning one, but a tingy jealousy. But their worth: it’s bound to be loads. Won’t get out of bed for less than a wad of cash is their motto … and unlike us, they would mean it.
Yes, Brad is probably getting his toes massaged on a luxury yacht somewhere by a svelte beauty. And yes, Angelina is likely speculating on the break-up with her ‘girls’ in a boutique spa, sipping cocktails with some weird ingredients like salt extracted from specially harvested insects (if they don’t drink, or lounge on yachts, or if they object to spas because of some incomprehensible shamanic beliefs, this blog really, really needs to close for lack of research).
What’s that I hear? Moralisers? The moralists are shouting at this page: but what about Australia’s Nauru camp? Aleppo? Black lives matter? Donald Trumps wig?
Calm down ethical dudes. There will be more human problems that you and I can relate to with regards to the break-up. After all, there are the divorce court proceedings. What sort of sunglasses will Angelina wear? Will Brad look business-like or go for a slightly rebellious look? How long will Angelina spend in reminding herself of the glam-puss pout, the kind that makes her looked bloodied bur not bowed in the gossip magazines? How will Brad deal with reporters? With ‘no comment’ or with a soliloquy that wins him affection?
And ok, the toaster and vacuum cleaner stuff was childish. But there will be precious material belongings that may go ‘walkies.’ Like that favourite bandana that either could wear doing the garden. Where did that go? When Brad left, did he take that coffee you only get in a certain village in Ethiopia only during a certain time of year? I was about to think of something else to make it three points in a paragraph but my imagination failed.
So many doubts and unanswered questions. So many Twitter trending hashtags to overcome. So many Barbara Walters (is she still around?) interviews and National Enquirer headlines up ahead. Rivers to cross.
Spare some tears.